What To Do When Men Want To Be Alpha Dog In The Workplace

"You have to understand it's part of men's genetic make-up. It goes back to the cave man days, when they had to defend their lair. They were supposed to fight to be the Alpha Dog." Don't complain. Learn how to cope with it.

At a recent meeting of women leaders preparing their presentation for an award ceremony, the discussion turned to dealing with men in the workplace. "Every committee I'm on," one woman high tech executive pointed out " there's always at least one man who wants to be the Alpha Dog. The competition to claim credit for ideas and show off your technical knowledge gets fierce. And I think it gets in the way of the goal."

This same stellar group included a woman who had founded and was currently the head of two bio-tech companies, a dyed in the wool scientist. "You have to understand it's part of their genetic make-up, " she said, in a soothing way. "It goes back to the cave man days, when they had to defend their lair. They were supposed to fight to be the Alpha Dog."

"Why don't they get over it? That was a long time ago." Actually no one said that. The discussion turned to how to cope successfully with strategies which might be defined as " I need to stomp down your ideas or claim them as my own at any price so I can be #1"; strategies, apparently left over from just after our ancestors were crawling out of the swamps.

First, you have to learn techniques to reclaim what is rightfully yours -- your ideas -- and do it in a way which does not leave a scorched earth behind you, as men sometimes seem to do, since you will probably need these people's support and votes again in the not too distant future.

Styles

Women, generally, are uncomfortable with an extremely aggressive, competitive style which many men relish in the workplace. Most women naturally shy away from being as confrontational, argumentative, thick-skinned and brusque as some men can be in their quest for power. For those who find it difficult to adapt to this mode, there is another style which might feel more natural.

Many women find they can be very effective and maintain their authority at the same time, when they establish a "coaching" style of communication. Women seem comfortable with a "coaching" style, possibly because, on close analysis, coaching is a form of nurturing, which women are good at and enjoy, and also because coaching is a more subtle and indirect way to wield power and get people working together as a team. The end result is the same, however: it gets the job done and advances your position.

Schmoozing

This same bio-tech woman titan explained how to best communicate with men. In her view, the key is to think "linear". She says that women are perfectly capable of holding a meeting and carrying on a dozen different conversations, while, at the same time, grasping the thrust of the whole group's conversation. Men, she says, can't do this. In a meeting you have to address your comments to them one by one, first to person A, then to person B and so on. Linear. Once again, she says, this takes us back to our genetic imprinting from the days of the cave, when men went out, killed for meat and brought it back to the cave, then went out to kill for meat again. Women, in the meantime were nurturing the children, fashioning make-shift utentsils, preparing the meals, cutting up skins for clothing and cover: in other words, multi-tasking.

So, the first recommendation is to talk to men individually to try to get them on your side. One by one, have coffee or lunch or a chat in the hall with each of them, listening to their feedback and generating support for your idea.

Compliments Go A Long Way

Once you have identified a team member's stong points, make a point of complimenting him. "Jack, I've never seen anyone get to the heart of a problem as fast as you do. You have such a fine analytical mind". Once someone recognizes their own strong points, and feels valued for them, he will be anxious to do more. Although this could be construed as catering to the man who's trying to either knock down or hijack your ideas, it is still a very good idea because a.) none of us ever gets enough compliments; b.) it will usually neutralize his opposition and c.) not having to expend so much energy on competing may make him a more productive team player.

Asserting Yourself

Take control and be clear. Best to get right to the point. Don't hint and don't whisper or speak softly. Step up to the plate, speak up in an authoritative voice and present a message which is clear and communicates your firm belief in it.

As long as you address issues, not personalities, don't worry too much about stepping on toes. Avoidance of conflict or confrontation as the prime goal of communication generally leaves people confused about what it was you are really trying to say. Don't hint, say it outright, as plain as you can. Harmony comes not from keeping quiet and avoiding communication but as a positive achievement, from putting differences on the table and working through them.

Reclaiming Your Ideas

When a man tries to claim credit for your idea, whether in a conference or email, even by simply restating it as his own, instead of crediting you for it, take immediate remedial action. Don't do a slow burn or waste your time on negative feelings. Just speak up. Look him in the eye and say "Harry, I just mentioned that idea 15 minutes ago, so, since it was mine to begin with, let me tell you first how I would implement it then maybe you have some suggestions on a different way to go about it." If this all too common attempted hijacking takes place in an email exchange, simply say, " As I mentioned previously in suggesting this idea to begin with.." and go on from there.

If you have special expertise you can hit them over the head with, don't hesitate to use it, just as they do. You may recall men trying to overwhelm you with their knowledge of construction or technology, with arcane terms no one but a pipe fitter could be expected to know. You can do the same. Example: "The only issue in the newsletter is the reflow issue which has to do with fonts not being identical in size across different output devices so that a 1,000th of an inch change can cause paragraphs to shift in different printers. This is easily resolved by selecting a 1,200 dpi printer as the default printer in Word and so will always maintain the layout."

Huh? Here your goal is not clarity but seizing the advantage, displaying your superior knowledge in the subject so he has to back off. Men do it all the time.

Although we have to remember that men and women co-workers are all on the same team working for the same goals, it helps to remember a few other items as well. There are differences in communication styles which give men an advantage; you must work to speak plainly, assert yourself , below your own horn and fight to protect your own ideas. Second, the workplace consists of games; don't be playling cribbage when everyone else is playing hockey. And lastly, don't forget, the point is to win.