By Sarah Beaulieu
As we reckon with behavior and boundaries in the #MeToo era, the topic of hugs frequently comes up. Some generally huggy people are second-guessing their hugging instincts. Some are lamenting the potential end of the hug, while others are calling for its demise, at least in workplaces. Others are simply wondering how to ask about hugs without making everyone feel awkward.
Generally, I’m a fan of hugs. Hugs are a way to say hello, express affection, and connect with your friends and loved ones. Under the right circumstance, hugs can be great at work, at home, and among friends and even strangers. But there are a few guidelines to keep in mind:
1.Talk about it
In your social circle, take some time to talk explicitly about hugging. Who likes hugs? Who wants all the hugs they can possibly get in one lifetime? Who likes hugs from people they don’t know or like? Who is more or less likely to feel physically intimidated or creeped out by an unwanted or unexpected hug? How will you tell each other when you aren’t in the mood for a hug?
These conversations will help you understand whether your hugging culture is welcome or oppressive; they’ll help you set the right boundaries with the right people at the right times.
2.Ask first
If you don’t know someone well enough to have a conversation about hugs, ask before hugging. Some people like hugs. Some people don’t. Asking takes two seconds. Here’s what it looks like.
Remember, you shouldn’t impose your will on someone else. “But I like hugs” is not an excuse for squeezing someone into a bear hug against his or her will. When you ask for a hug, take note of whether you have more physical presence or situational power than the other person. You wouldn’t want someone to agree to a hug because they feel they aren’t allowed to say no.
3.Watch for body language
Some people are good at reading body language. Others aren’t. Open your arms wide. If the person in front of you does the same, that’s probably a green light for a hug, unless they are from New Jersey, like me, and gesture wildly when speaking.
If the person pauses or freezes or looks at you oddly, back off. If the person does something else that doesn’t quite compute, use your words and ask.
4.Take no for an answer
Some people like physical space and boundaries and would rather not hug or be hugged. Don’t judge the non-huggers. Don’t make them feel bad about themselves, assume they are cold or rigid, or coax them into hugs. You have no idea why they don’t like hugs.
For heterosexual, cisgender men: If you direct your hugs primarily toward women, you might want to reflect on this a bit. What’s that about for you? Are your hugs more sexual than you may like to admit? Are you hesitant to express affection to men? Embrace the bro-hug—it will enrich your life!
And for the people who think asking for a hug wrecks the moment, think again. A welcome hug is the best kind of hug there is!