We all face crossroads moments in our lives and careers, those times when we’re compelled to change direction. Those choice points arise because either we feel inspired to embark on a new adventure or we’re desperate to change the situation we’re in. One of my biggest choice points came seventeen years ago, when I realized that if I didn’t change the bus I was riding on, I might not be around to enjoy a career.
At the time, I was in my late thirties. I was running a consulting practice, I’d just started a women’s leadership company, and I was in graduate school, consistently working seventy to eighty hour weeks. Employed as a consultant on a change management project for a division of Fortune 500 Company, I was partnering with a Vice President named Ellen to help to “humanize” her organization. Ellen and I had developed a close friendship over the two years we’d worked together on the project. She’d become a corporate mentor to me, and I, an informal coach to her.
One day in late September, we met for lunch. Ellen was reeling from the sting of a performance review she’d received earlier that morning. Working 24/7 with little support, Ellen had single-handedly attempted to transform the culture of her organization. Her efforts threatened her boss and other members of the senior leadership team and she was taking the fall for her efforts to try and change an unhealthy culture.
When I saw Ellen the day we had lunch, I’d never seen her look so hopeless or physically exhausted. She was sweating profusely and was having a difficult time focusing on our conversation. Led by my concern for her well-being, I told Ellen how worried I was about her health, and then I proceeded to tear a piece of paper off the top of the tablecloth and wrote, “Rx for Ellen. Take 3 days off, leave your cell phone at home and go to a monastery and rest.” Ellen read the note, wadded up the paper, shoved it her purse and responded curtly, “Stop worrying about me, Donna, I’m fine! I don’t want to discuss this anymore!”
I paid the check and said goodbye, not knowing it would be the final conversation we’d have. The following Monday, I received a call from one of her managers that her husband had come home on the evening following our lunch and found her dead in their hot tub, presumably from a stroke.
Ellen’s early death at age 50 rattled me to my core. At the time she passed away, I was beginning to experience the symptoms of a chronic illness that sidelined me from work for over two years. Two months after Ellen’s death, she visited me in a dream. In the dream, I was standing on a street corner as a bus passed by. Ellen was standing on the bus cursing at the bus driver to let her off. The bus driver yelled back, “Lady this is your bus. It’s too late now. You can’t get off!”
Dressed in her beautiful pink wool suit and stiletto heels, Ellen was holding a glass of wine in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She screamed at the top of her lungs out the window, “Donna, be careful which bus you get on!” Her words were a warning that it was time to change things if I didn’t want to follow in her footsteps. It was clear that through her message to me in that dream that she was trying to save my life.
Over the next two years, bedridden by my illness, I had lots of time to think about the kind of life and career I wanted to lead. I had to choose whose voice I wanted to follow, my own or that of others’ expectations. I made a decision that I wanted to work fewer hours, live a more balanced life, and if I recovered, help leaders unleash their potential to thrive from a place of authenticity and choice. But first, I had to awaken from the trance that had made me believe that success was based on how much money I made, how busy I was, how many degrees I had, or on how many things I accomplished. I had to make a conscious choice about which bus was the right one for me.
I made my decision what bus I wanted to be on then out of a sense of desperation. But it doesn’t have to be that way. Inspiration can also be a powerful motivator. I tell my coaching clients when they are faced with major decisions that we always have two choices−to move towards what we want or to run away from what we don’t. It’s never too late to choose the right path for your life and career, so move toward what calls you in order to thrive in your life and career.
Here are some questions to ask yourself that can be a helpful guide to decide which bus you want to be one from this point forward. Grab a cup of tea and find a place where you won’t be disturbed. Create some space in your day and take an hour or so to reflect on the bus that you’ve been riding on up to this point in your life and career. Take your journal and jot down your answers to these questions.
- Is the bus you’ve been on one you chose for yourself or did you land on the bus you’re on now either by circumstances or even by accident?
- What are you enjoying most about the ride? Which parts of the ride are enriching you and those you care most deeply about? What brings you the greatest joy and satisfaction in your work and life, and what, if anything, do you need to change to experience joy and fulfillment more consistently? What are the places in your work and life where you feel energized? What helps you thrive?
- What, if anything, do you find difficult about the bus you find yourself on? Which parts of the ride are detrimental to you or those you love? What do you want to change, if anything, about your bus or where it’s heading? What would be different than it is now if you were on the right bus? How would you know you’d been successful in making the changes you seek to make? What would be different in your life and career?
- What is one dream you’ve held that you’re passionate about that you haven’t yet fulfilled? What has gotten in your way? What is one step you can take today, this week, and this month to change that? What is one commitment you are willing to make to yourself right now that would move you closer to fulfilling that dream? What support do you need to do that? Are you willing to take that action now?
At the end of the day, the quality of our lives largely based on the choices we make. I hope you’ll choose the right bus for you that leads to thriving, because the world needs you and your gifts.
Donna Stoneham, PhD, is the author of The Thriver’s Edge: Seven Keys to Transform the Way You Live, Love, and Lead, an International Book Award, Indie Excellence Award, and Best Book Award finalist named by BuzzFeed as one of “Nine Awesome Books for Your Kick-Ass Career.” President of Positive Impact, LLC www.positiveimpactllc.com, Donna is a master executive coach, transformational leadership expert, educator and speaker with over twenty-five years of experience helping Fortune 1000 and not-for profit leaders, teams and organizations unleash their power to thrive™. Take Donna’s Thriver Quiz at www.DonnaStoneham.com and follow her at donnastoneham@twitter.com and DonnaStonehamPhD@facebook.com.