By Caroline Goyder
Have you ever been in a meeting where tough decisions were being made and you knew with every sinew in your body that you should speak up, but you held back? For many, and for women, in particular, it’s not speaking that’s the challenge — it’s speaking in the moment when, as Eleanor Roosevelt put it, the “hard choices” come. When we have to decide, “What do I believe?”
Speaking up in this moment requires that you are prepared to live up to your beliefs. You must be ready to advocate for them.
A senior social worker described her involvement in a high-level council discussion about the closure of care facilities — something that would affect many elderly people in her care. Her instincts screamed that the closures were wrong, but for some reason, she stayed silent. She realized later that an inner voice had been nagging at her, saying “What if you’ve got it wrong?” Big decisions were made in her presence that she felt were deeply flawed as she remained silent. She vowed to do it differently next time.
Why is it that you choose to stay silent when you should speak out? Women often say that they struggle with the idea of being the “difficult” one in the room. Data from studies hints at the reasons for their wariness. Women who act authoritatively are more likely to be disliked than authoritative men. As COO of Facebook Sheryl Sandberg commented, “If a woman pushes to get the job done…if she focuses on results rather than pleasing others, she’s acting like a man. And if she’s acting like a man people dislike her.”
Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen has explored the often unconscious biases projected on women in her work on language. As Tannen explains, in primitive societies the best chances of survival were status/strength (having the biggest weapon) or connection/warmth (having the protection of the biggest tribe). It’s no surprise that for thousands of years women were socialized to focus on connection and warmth. Even in a civilized meeting where women are safe to show their strength, it can take courage and boldness to move out of that evolutionary comfort zone.
In your own “hard choices” moments where speaking out is crucial, employ these three strategies — that is until we evolve to understand that strength and likeability can go hand in hand for women as well as men.
- Focus on the common purpose. When it comes to speaking out, be very clear who you are speaking for. In the case of the social worker struggling to voice her dissent, remembering that she was speaking for elderly people in care facilities could have made a difference. Worrying about whether her colleagues would still like her was irrelevant.
- Show your strength. Where you need to show strength, it helps to focus on being respected rather than being liked. In “hard choices” moments, it doesn’t matter whether others like you or not. You need to get the job done. If you need an instant authority boost, sit up tall, consciously slow your pace and speak in a calm, concise way. When you’ve said enough, pause and close your mouth. Let others fill the silence. Try using a palms-down gesture. It takes your voice tone down low and gives it a “respect me” quality.
- Balance your strength with connection and warmth. Then, having made your point, protect from society’s current biases by balancing your strength with warmth. It’s what Facebook’s Sandberg references as “relentlessly pleasant,” suggesting that it helps to focus on “smiling frequently, expressing appreciation and concern …solving a problem as opposed to taking a critical stance.” In addition, the Pareto principle of 80/20 may help — your 20 per cent steely strength can be balanced by the 80 per cent warmth and focus of your common purpose. It seems unfair that you have to dance between strength and warmth in a way that men don’t. Most of the time it’s more important to be effective than right. And sometimes it’s important to be right. It’s your call.
Click here to learn more about talking with confidence.
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ABOUT CAROLINE GOYDER
Caroline Goyder has an international reputation as an expert speaker and trainer with senior management within organizations as well as private individuals. She worked for many years at London’s Royal Central School of Speech and Drama as a voice coach before launching her own company. She is regularly sought out by the media, and her extremely successful Ted Talk has had over 7.5 million viewers. Her new book is Find Your Voice: The Secret to Talking with Confidence in Any Situation (Penguin Random House UK, Jan. 30, 2020), along with previous books Gravitas: Communicate with Confidence, Influence and Authority and The Star Qualities: How to Sparkle with Confidence in All Aspects of Your Life. Visit www.carolinegoyder.com, or find her across social media: @Carolinegoyder.