By Arlene Krieger
The most difficult challenge any mother faces is balancing motherhood with work. All too often you have to make impossible choices and no matter what you decide, you spend a great deal of time second guessing your decisions. As I always remind my daughter, a young working mom, that despite and in spite of working, both you, and your child, will grow up. Guilt runs rampage throughout the heart and mind of the working mother, should I, or should I not? Is a constant scenario. Yet through all of all these schizophrenic thoughts, you have to face certain realities and create acceptable rationalizations or you will surely drive yourself crazy.
The balancing act commences with a deep understanding of yourself and your priorities. You have spent years training and studying and now you have a position that makes you happy, fills your bank account, and provides security for your future. You do not want to jeopardize this situation. On the other hand, you have been blessed with a perfect child whom you love and cherish. Your child needs you and you need your child. Rule number one: never think you can do this all alone! Support is essential to be able to hold your job and your child at the same time. Some of us are fortunate enough to lean on family, a spouse, sibling, or parent, who will be there to pick up your child in case an unexpected fever or a bruised knee occurs. Lacking family there are alternative caretakers, a friend, a babysitter, an elderly neighbor, a teacher or trusted friend and of course a pediatrician. To make this working situation work, you must forge relationships with other people you trust otherwise you have set up a recipe for failure. Daycare centers are excellent sources as back-up plans. Spend the time to develop these relationships because for sure one day you will get a call from the school or your child (you know owns a cell phone) that your presence is needed.
So now that your back-up plan is in place, your confidence and nerves can focus on your career. In the presence of your bosses listen carefully to their rhetoric, do they discuss changing diapers, or the length their kid can kick a soccer ball? Rule number two: never ever volunteer information regarding your child unless your superiors initiate that conversation. Remember you are professional and all your bosses want to know is how much you can contribute to the success of the business. Every word out of your mouth should be pointed in that direction. The distraction of a child is not welcome, it simply takes away from productivity (as seen through the eyes of your superiors). Limit photos of your children; your private life is just that, private. Displaying an array of family photos screams, “I am distracted.” Our cell phones hold all the photos that are near and dear to us yet allow a modicum of privacy.
The day arrives and your child wakes up with a severe fever after several overnight bouts of vomiting. There is no way your heart can leave your child so you make the difficult decision and you call in sick. Rule number three: you are the sick one, not your child! Never use your child as the reason you are absent from the office, it draws attention to the fact that you have chosen your child over your career. Spend the day providing TLC to your sick child and calling in the troops (your back-up plan) for at least the next couple of days. When you return to the office, keep your absence to yourself. Remember your most trusted colleagues are vying for the same promotion you are and someday your spilling the beans that you opted for a day with your sick child, may come back to haunt you. The company only cares about the survival of the company and your job is to make sure that happens. When calling home to check on your most precious child, make sure no one can overhear your conversation even if you have to climb to the roof of the building. It is hard enough being a woman in the workforce let alone a woman saddled with a child. Your bosses don’t care about your family life, they only care about your performance at work regardless of other commitments that tug at your heart and mind. Their philosophy is, “look at Johnny Do Good, he never misses a day of work because of a child, yes, perhaps he tied one on last night and is too hungover to come into work, but he sure is focused.” And that is who you must compete with. One day out due to a sick kid and management sees this as an on-going trend and you become un-promotable while jerk, Johnny, spirals upwards.
I know this all sounds heartless and cruel, but then so is the business world. Your mantra should be, I can do this, I can do this, I spent my entire life getting to this place and I can do this. Rule number four: call your real friends, family, and support, and cry on their shoulders. Never mix your work friends with true friends because true friends listen and respond from the heart. Work friends, colleagues, are not people you can trust or rely on, they are there when things are good, but will never be a source of compassion or understanding.
So now you spend the day with your sick child who rallies fervently by lunchtime. Instead of hovering over their every move, you can enjoy each other. Do not become complacent, make sure you have someone in place just in case your child relapses. When the alarm rings the next morning and you race around preparing for another arduous day, a part of you can relax knowing your child will be taken care of, another day at home is just what the doctor ordered only today it is a caretaker, not mom. Your cell phone is fully charged and set to speed dial home. A kiss good bye and you are out the door with some semblance of sanity in the knowledge that should your child’s symptoms reoccur, at least he or she is safely tucked at home under the watchful eyes of a caretaker. With a modicum of sleep from the prior night and dark circles camouflaged under two layers of make-up, your job performance is supposed to be stellar, not different from any other day. After all, Johnny Do Good, would never have to wrestle with the problem of a sick child. And therein lies the sad and miserable state of affairs for us mothers. Striking examples of these situations are elaborated in Heart of a Designer by Arlene Krieger. Years later the memories of these dire situations have a humorous ring to them but during the actual crisis, not so funny. In the novel, there was an evening when Louise, the sales manager, invited one of the company’s top out-of town accounts out to dinner. The babysitter failed to show up and just as she was wheeling the infant out into the cold December air, a neighbor asked where she was going. Louise looked up and began babbling about the commitment and what could she do but bring along her son. The neighbor grabbed the stroller and the extra apartment key and took the baby back to the apartment. “I owe you,’ Louise yelled as she galloped out the door and into a taxi.
Image; when you are working how do you want your bosses, your colleagues, and the support staff to see you; as a competent worker who knows the job and puts the interests of the firm first or as a mother, who does her job well but puts her child’s needs first? There is no doubt your child comes first, but the image you portray, in the cut-throat world of business, should reflect otherwise. For a minute step back and look through the eyes of your superiors, the people who will push you up the ranks, what image do they want to see? You guessed it. A flawless image of a young talented woman who is smart, ambitious and always has the best interest of the company. Now take away those rose colored glasses and make sure your actions and reactions reflect those images. A woman in the world of business has many obstacles to overcome and motherhood is one of the most difficult. Other countries have back-up plans, from live-in grandparents, or in Israel, where infants and toddlers are cared for in communes. Not so in America. Not only are our back-up plans difficult to attain they are expensive.
Cost: another pertinent issue. As a young professional, you might look at the cost of daycare versus staying home and say, well it would be cheaper if I stayed home. Yet you know your heart isn’t in it, you are happy when you are being productive working at a job you love; it bumps up your juices and makes you feel alive. Keep this thought in mind: even though the expenses will be high, these crucial years are important to your career, and your baby will shortly outgrow the daycare situation. Without a doubt, as I reflect upon 45 years of working, the toughest were when my two children were infants. It’s not the lack of sleep, it is the constant tearing of the heart strings, yet both children grew up and are happy, healthy and have rich fulfilling lives. Miracles do happen despite what we working moms do.